I see you’re hiding the fact you’re dead again

Proceed with caution 😘

Disclaimer, just because I talk about doesn’t mean I haven’t moved my heart to a completely different place, but when my children suffer I will have words.

I always see the good in people even when it’s not there.

When he abandoned us I was blindsided and betrayed, more hurt than I’ve ever been. I had people messaging me telling me to kill myself in the midst of nursing a 6 month old and navigating whatever pain I was in. On the other side though I’m thankful my kids have a better chance now of genuine love and family, not completely conditional manipulative love.

He taught me how to raise and provide for two children alone, how to be the only parent wiping tears and reading books, potty training and helping with homework. He taught me how to worry my kids would be hungry, how a little boys face looks when he hears his friends talk about “dad”. He taught me what it’s like to be ghosted for the first time.

He taught me how deeply someone can lie, and how selfish and cruel another human can be. I never once looked at my future thinking I would be one of those solo moms everyone was talking down on. I thought, even thought we weren’t perfect that he would always be there for his kids. But it didn’t turn out that way, and the excuses continue to come. People blame me, I blame myself. But I know I did that was best for my little humans by leaving the emptiness in Oklahoma. The way I see it now, is people do what they want, and if he wanted to he with his kids he would make it happen. Some people try to fill their lives with material things and care more about how people see them than about experience and love. When the going gets tough, when things aren’t easy, they’re gone. And with kids things are never easy.

They know I’ll always be here for them.

Now my sweet boy turns 6 next week–

he’s heartbroken because his

dad promised to be at his

birthday party. Now of course

how he can’t make it, and there is no real reason why.

I’m struggling right now with

What my responsibility is here and moving forward.

I know he’s not capable of true change, but should I still try? Should I be annoying everyday to get him to be closer to

his kids, to finally commit to them more than a couple phone calls the kids don’t even want to make? Maybe I should let it

go, not bother trying to talk him

into being a dad and not just a father. I

don’t believe he ever wanted to

be one in the first place.

All I want is what’s best for

my kids. So for now they’ll think he hung the moon, and someday they’ll hate me, but it will all be worth it to see them grow into amazing men and women. “Look out world, that would be enough.”

I’m not going to be humble about what I’ve overcome.

Caring is Creepy

One thought on “I see you’re hiding the fact you’re dead again

  1. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you’re a major badass. You are light to that kiddo, and that’s something that he can never hate you for. Nobody can force others to change. He will see that. I saw that about my dad. And it sucks and it’s not how anyone wants life to go, but all we have is right now, and as long as you’re the one doing the most, nobody can tell you that you’re wrong.

    Keep it up. You got this.

    Like

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